This powerful article was in the 2019 Summer Issue of Inspiring Lives Magazine Business section. Most gurus talk about boundaries only from the perspective of having them with others. In this article, I share that boundaries are necessary in your relationship with resources like time and money, and most important in your relationship with yourself.
The struggle and sabotage were obvious in almost every aspect of my life and business…
Calendar out of control, overly available, not saying ‘NO’; inconsistent income, not making time for me or self-care, relationships strained; not following through or being consistent, and absolutely stuck due to control issues like perfection, procrastination, and avoidance. Basically, I wasn’t showing up to work on my business, I wasn’t showing up for my marriage, and I definitely wasn’t showing up for me.
Crippled with fear and worry that fueled my ruthless inner critic, I was constantly being reminded how I wasn’t good enough, certified enough, experienced enough, or any other not enough that fit the situation. Nothing was getting finished because it wasn’t good enough or perfect enough to send or post or release. The cycles of sabotage ranged from analysis paralysis to expectation to shut down!
Then there was scarcity. Scarcity had me believing I didn’t have enough time, money, clients; my email list was too small; not enough followers; not enough love and support. Yet I only saw scarcity and lack because I was overwhelmed by the root scarcity . . . I am not enough.
Even though I was aware this was happening, I had no idea what to do about. But something kept telling me to keep digging into understanding the root and what I needed to do to fix it.
So, I’m sharing my most powerful discoveries with you…..
But all the struggles and challenges I mentioned aren’t the real problem.
Turns out, they are just symptoms of an underlying issue. The real problem is actually a lack of boundaries fueled by the belief of not enough. All the gurus will tell you that you need boundaries, but often only refer to them in the context of your relationship with others. However, boundaries apply to your relationship with all resources: time, money, joy, health, love, etc.
But the most profound lesson I discovered was that all of those relationships are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. Boundaries, at the root, are 100% about you and the relationship you have with yourself. That’s it.
Boundaries are about our internal NO and YES. Saying NO to sabotage, avoidance, and all the other things we do to get in our way, and saying YES to your goals and to being your best self. If it sounds so simple, then why is it so hard? It’s hard to say no to ourselves because we lack clear boundaries in this relationship. Leaving us disconnected from the truth of who we are and lacking confidence.
Boundaries are about ownership and responsibility for ourselves and what we want. Along with letting go of what we aren’t responsible for or have control over. In that process, you’ve got to be honest with yourself as well, something we too often avoid. Stepping into that level of honesty and ownership allows you to connect to yourself and your truth on a deeper level. Connecting to your authentic self builds the foundation for real confidence.
Control issues, like perfection and procrastination, are often seen in those who are naturally high-achievers. Being a high-achiever and working with them, I know that we often struggle the most with self-doubt, sabotage, and a ruthless inner critic. This is because we lack confidence and connection with ourselves. At the root, we don’t feel like we’re good enough as we are, so we need the validation of achievement or others to feel like we’re good enough.
The problem is that we’re giving our power away to external conditions to feel good enough or worthy, and if the conditions change or aren’t there, we easily fall into the trap of sabotage. We give our power away attempting to control things we don’t have control over, like external conditions or the thoughts and feelings of others.
Boundaries are the mechanism for taking your power back! By shifting your focus to what you actually have control over, YOU, and building a deeper connection and clarity with yourself, your confidence and self-trust grows. You’re able to begin dismantling the toxic belief that you’re not good enough, which means quieting your inner critic, reducing sabotage and getting back on track faster. You’re taking responsibility for your time, energy, thoughts, emotions, and actions, so follow-through becomes easier while your internal “yes” for your goals strengthens.
As you start to believe you are enough, you’re eliminating scarcity all together. Getting clear on your boundaries and holding to them is key to shifting into an abundance mindset and building confidence. They’re also the key to consistency and follow through as you’re saying “yes” to your goals and “no” to the sabotage and control issues.
Here are a few simple ways to honor your boundaries and say “yes” to your goals:
- Take things off your calendar that are nota top priority
- Ask yourself: What can I say “no” to in order to say “yes” to my goals?
- Ask for help or delegate – you don’t have to do everything yourself!
- Protect your energy and emotions by reducing time around draining people.
- If you don’t hold to your boundaries, ask yourself, What do I need right now for me to say “yes” to my goals?
The reason I’ve been successful in quieting my inner critic and minimizing sabotage are boundaries. They helped me create real change in my life and business because I show up consistently to release what doesn’t serve me, work through or around my sabotage cycles, and act in honor of what I want to create and most importantly, who I want to be.
I’m able to get through my sabotage cycles in seconds, minutes, or hours instead of weeks or months. In taking ownership and responsibility for myself and my choices, I’ve been able to connect to my authentic brand and message, as well as serve my clients at an even higher level.
Boundaries helped me to take my power back!
Link to the original Inspiring Lives Magazine article: